Challenging Toxic Resilience
WARNING: This white paper may provoke strong reactions. Symptoms may include eye-rolling, a sense of shame, or even numbness. But we urge you to read on as we believe there is a better way forward.
Let’s talk about “Resilience.”
For over a decade The People Side has worked to develop resilience in leaders. It’s a popular topic with our clients and we often weave it into our programs. Historically we defined resilience as, “the ability to absorb the impact of change and quickly bounce back into a state of performance.”
To illustrate this we often used the metaphor of a Bop Bag—an inflatable punching toy with a weighted base. Participants would take turns hitting it and we’d watch as Bozo the clown popped back up every time ready for the next blow.
We now realize that the way we defined and taught resilience perpetuated a problem.
What we’ve come to understand is that “being resilient” often becomes toxic when it is put into practice. The definition suggests that leaders must handle whatever is thrown at them without letting it affect them personally or professionally. A good leader should just “pop back up.”
This approach to resilience often allowed the workplace (and business leaders) to avoid self-reflection. It bypassed questioning whether the demands placed on individuals were fair or reasonable in the first place. People were expected to simply push through—and if they couldn’t bear the weight they were seen as less effective and failed the resilience test. This mindset placed the burden of resilience entirely on the individual allowing the system to churn out never-ending demands.
And we see leaders trying to be resilient, no matter what it costs them. We are coaching executives who have navigated some of the most complex leadership challenges the world has ever seen: technological disruptions, pandemics, global expansions, rapid downsizing, and significant organizational transformations—all within just the last three years.
In 2023 we launched a research project at The People Side to better understand the emotional tensions we encountered when coaching and developing today’s leaders. Our aim was to identify the sources of their suffering so we could alleviate them through coaching, and ultimately, improve their performance at work. Our research examined the tensions within individuals as well as those between and around people at work. This work provided us with critical insights that explained how “being resilient” became a toxic hall pass leaders used to justify overwork, self-sacrifice, and unhappiness.
We believe there is a healthier way to practice resilience—one that encourages organizations to take responsibility for the pressure they place on people as well as seeking relief from the pressure people feel within themselves.
THE PRESSURE AROUND US
A company can generate an overwhelming number of demands, keeping executives’ calendars packed and a relentless workload. Yet a company is not a living creature. It operates based upon the expectations of the people in charge. If a company is demanding it’s because the leadership has fostered that culture. Conversely if it’s innovative and exciting that’s also a reflection of its leadership. Leaders have more control over the cultures they create than they may realize. Creating a culture that requires endless resilience and self-sacrifice is a choice—and a poor one for business if it drives employees away.
When we suggest this to senior leaders we often face resistance. They argue that it is customer demands or market forces dictating the workload more than they do. While valid, we encourage them to consider the additional demands they control: the timelines they set, the timing of new system implementations, the number of meetings they request, or how polished internal communications need to be. Leaders own these levers and they all contribute to the pressure within the organization.
Burnout is not just a personal issue—it’s a critical business problem. The World Health Organization (WHO) classifies burnout as a phenomenon that seriously impacts both employee performance and business success. Companies where employees report high burnout levels see a decline in innovation creativity and engagement. According to McKinsey, stressed out, burned-out teams drive lower customer satisfaction and overall business performance. These findings suggest that companies should take responsibility for fostering a culture of well-being and healthy resilience as it benefits both the business and its people.
Burnout occurs when people are exposed to pressure for extended periods without recovery. Think of an employee’s capacity as a metaphorical bucket. If you expect more from that bucket tomorrow you need to allow time for it to refill. Everyone’s capacity is finite, though some people have bigger buckets than others. You’ll know someone’s bucket is empty when you notice increased reactive behavior (fight flight or freeze), negative language, exhaustion, or disengagement. As a leader it’s your responsibility to recognize these signals and support your team. Ask them one simple but powerful question and then really listen to the answer: “How are you really doing?”
For tips on fostering resilience in your team, download our “Leader’s Guide to Promoting Healthy Resilience”. It offers coaching questions and actions that will help you build resilience within your organization.
THE PRESSURE WITHIN US
The pressure we put on ourselves varies from person to person. As executive coaches we seek to understand what internal pressures a leader is facing. Some people have a tendency to overwork due to a fear of disappointing others or being perceived as imperfect. Others feel the pressure to maintain control or achieve a certain status. Regardless of where they work these internal pressures will drive them to overperform. Time and time again, we have heard leaders say that overworking feels safer or more admirable than setting boundaries.
Take “Frank” for example. Frank told his coach, “I worked all weekend to ensure our Monday meeting was perfect—and it was! But I was frustrated because no one else on my team was willing to put in the same effort.” Frank’s need for perfection turned his internal pressure into an external expectation. This mindset is common and it leads to unhealthy dynamics for both the leader and their team.
Our work tendencies are often subconscious. Without awareness leaders fail to see the pressure they generate. When we try to demonstrate resilience without understanding our internal pressures we operate blindly. This becomes dysfunctional for the leader and those they manage.
While many pressures are outside our control we each control how we react. Beyond self-awareness we’ve identified four key practices that help leaders cultivate healthier resilience.
Practice 1: Positive Processing
Positive Processing is both a mindset and a practice. Through our research into the sources of suffering at work, we uncovered four key truths, including “Where there is suffering there is a story.” Our brains love a story. It draws conclusions, develops characters, and imagines detailed scenarios with ease. It does this repeatedly every day. Some people have an inner storyteller that loves a happy ending. While others tend to imagine worst-case scenarios and brace themselves for negative outcomes. For those individuals who are prone to having a more negative mindset, Positive Processing is an incredibly valuable tool. It helps people challenge their story and it elevates their thinking “above the line.” To learn more you can download this tool and find the questions we use as coaches to help people practice Positive Processing.
Practice 2: Recovery
Recognize when you are working longer hours, have been locked into your laptop too long, or feel overwhelmed. When your bucket needs filling, find a way to carve out time for recovery. Notice what fills YOUR bucket and give yourself some time off to go do it. For some people, it involves being outside, sleeping, exercising, socializing with friends, or meditating. Even one hour of these activities can make a significant difference in someone’s mental state – it is a small investment with a big payoff. Being resilient isn’t just about time management. It is about energy management. Some people do their best work in the morning and need to practice recovery in the afternoons. Other people hit their stride after traditional work hours and need to practice recovery in the mornings. Ignoring your empty bucket can quickly escalate into feelings of overwhelm, illness, disengagement, and even substance abuse.
Practice 3: Set Boundaries
Companies don’t have boundaries, people do. Most companies will absorb as much output as a resource is willing to produce. That is why we believe it is important for everyone to know the answer to this question for themselves: “What is a reasonable amount of time for me to invest in my professional career at this stage of my life?” The answer will vary by person and will change over time. Everyone will define “reasonable” in their own way, but operating without any boundaries is dangerous and leads to an unfulfilling life. Once you have your boundaries defined, communicate them clearly to the people you work with and for. It is up to you to sense when it is “worth it” to make an exception. When you decide to make an exception, clearly communicate this it is the exception, not the new norm. “I am willing to work this Saturday because I see the importance of this client meeting. I do not intend to work every Saturday, but I am choosing to work this one.” Without clarity, people may assume you have adjusted your boundary and layer on new work demands.
Practice 4: Seek Purpose
Have you ever invested countless hours over months and even years of your life in the pursuit of something you found meaningful? If so, then you know that the commitment we make to certain work can be so energizing and bucket-filling that it becomes the source of energy and resilience. This practice invites people into the mindset of attaching more meaning and purpose to that which they do. If you are running the annual sales meeting for the first time, what feels purposeful about that? What are the meaningful skills you are developing? What relationships or outcomes could come from that event that would motivate you to invest the significant time and energy required to do it well? How will you grow or get closer to your professional ambitions through this experience? These questions help you find the purpose within any challenge that comes your way.
CONCLUSION
Resilience is a tendency that can be demonstrated in a healthy way or in an unhealthy way. Healthy organizations monitor the capacity of their people and the level of resilience they demand. Employees own how they practice healthy resilience once they chose to work there. The external pressures that exist within the organization where we work often combusts with our own internal pressures, encouraging people to become toxically resilient. However, with the proper practices it’s possible to demonstrate resilience in a manner that reduces burnout and leads to greater business success.
REFERENCES
World Health Organization (WHO) - Burnout was classified as an "occupational phenomenon" in 2019. You can refer to the WHO's official documents and the ICD-11 classification for more information.
Source: WHO - BurnoutGallup 2024 State of the Workplace - Gallup's study highlights the direct connection between burnout and absenteeism, job-seeking behavior, and productivity.
Source: GallupMcKinsey & Company - Their research on organizational health reveals that burnout not only affects employee engagement and satisfaction but also reduces innovation, customer satisfaction, and overall company performance.
Source: McKinsey - Burnout and Business Performance